ANAHEIM, CA — Sitting alone on a park bench along Main Street USA while the rest of his family was queing up for Space Mountain, Brian Moore of Bakersfield, California was expecting to have a little bit of quiet time to himself. “The parade had passed about an hour ago. I figured I would just sit on this bench, enjoy my first solitary moment on this trip and take in a little bit of the ambience. Just trying to figure out why there are still so many people seated along the curb,” pondered the 41-year old father of four.

A short distance away, the Dapper Dans have wrapped up their medley of Disney and barbershop classics, as the crowd disperses Brian notices Cast Members setting up ropes again. “What could they be prepping the street for? It seems like a lot for the flag processional.” After a few more minutes Town Square had become more crowded forcing Brian to relocate somewhere he can enjoy a more peaceful, pleasant, and most importantly, quiet area of the park while waiting for his family to return from Space Mountain. “I think I’ll head over towards It’s A Small World.”

ORLANDO, FL — Just a few short days after the debut of the refreshed Hall of Presidents in Magic Kingdom, the attraction was down again for much of the day without explanation. Cast members operating the attraction stated they were experiencing a brief delay but would reopen later in the day. No reasons for the delay were given. Resort guests on social media reported seeing the animatronic President Donald Trump playing a round of golf at the Shades of Green Resort in the early afternoon. “I get it, it’s a stressful job,” Said Ben Griggs, a Trump voter who traveled with his family to Walt Disney World from Cedar Rapids, Iowa. “We’ve spent, I don’t know, about $15,000 so far, took us about 4 days to drive here, and we may have to leave without seeing our animatronic president in his new show. I’m not upset, though. He performs in so many shows during the day. Sure, he’s an animatronic, but he’s our president, and he still deserves some rest.”

Other guests in the park were less understanding. “I mean, I have to applaud the Imagineers for their thoroughness in their programming, but come on,” Complained another park guest. The line outside Guest Relations stretched down Main Street as park guests vented their frustration to Cast Members and management as the attraction remained closed throughout the day.

The next day, the attraction reopened with a new speech from the President complaining about the closure of the McDonald’s Fry Cart that used to operate in Frontierland and proclaiming, “That’s right folks, we’re going to bring back Aunt Jemima.”

ORLANDO, FL — A man wearing a baseball cap brought The Incredible Hulk Coaster® in Islands of Adventure to a halt for several minutes early Saturday afternoon. Eyewitnesses say the issue was that he simply did not want to take his hat off before boarding the iconic roller coaster. “He just refused to take the damn hat off,” complained one guest, who also told reporters that the attraction was held up for at least 15 minutes. “When they first asked, he said that the restraints made it difficult for him to reach his hat. Then he said he couldn’t remove it because of a medical condition. The hat needed to be there to protect his scalp underneath. Finally, after several minutes, he relented and took his hat off.” Several eyewitnesses went on to state that the thinning around his crown was “actually pretty bad,” and that his hairline was “kind of fucked.”

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